


Healing Takes Time

by AceOnIce



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alec Lightwood Loves Magnus Bane, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, Communication, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hopeful Ending, Hurt Magnus Bane, M/M, Nightmares, Post-Canon, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Supportive Alec Lightwood, Trauma, oof this turned out more angsty than I intended I'm sorry lale
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-15
Updated: 2021-03-15
Packaged: 2021-03-22 23:42:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,693
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30046617
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AceOnIce/pseuds/AceOnIce
Summary: “Magnus,” Alec sounds like he’s the one that’s had his heart broken, and Magnus knows it's true, to some extent. He'd broken both of their hearts that day. “I didn’t want to. I never wanted to leave you. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but I needed you to be okay. Getting your magic back, it was the only thing I could think of to help you.”Magnus shuts his eyes tight as more tears fall dampen his lashes. He’s a mess. And Alexander is perfect. And Alexander is also a mess. It’s all too much.“I know,” Magnus finally manages, voice wavering. The words tear at his throat, ripping at his lungs. “I understand your reasons, but that doesn’t fix my heart. That doesn’t erase the memory, the ache of not being enough, of watching you leave.”~OR~After Magnus has a nightmare, he's forced to have an unpleasant conversation with Alec.
Relationships: Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Comments: 14
Kudos: 157
Collections: Favorite Malec Stories





	Healing Takes Time

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Lalelilolu](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lalelilolu/gifts).



> Based on the angst prompt: “I understand your reasons, but that doesn’t fix my heart.”
> 
> Happy birthday [Lale](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lalelilolu/pseuds/Lalelilolue)  
> and I hope you have a wonderful day with delicious poppy seed cake!

Magnus is shaking when he’s roused awake by a warm hand on his arm. His head echoes with screams even as he becomes aware of the dark room around him. There's a vaguely human-shaped figure hovering over him. Magnus' face is stained with tears.

He knows, logically, that he’s awake now. He’s safe in his loft. Alexander is by his side, hoping to offer him comfort after waking him. But a part of his mind is still replaying the nightmare, _the memory,_ of being powerless and abandoned. Remembering the time he’d been so cold he thought he’d never feel warm again. Even now, the memory of it has him shivering despite the heated loft. He flicks his fingers, turning up the temperature a few more degrees.

A light flicks on— Alec, turning on his bedside lamp, he realizes belatedly. The lamplight somehow manages to both cast the room in a warm glow and create threatening shadows along the walls. Magnus can see the worry on his boyfriend’s- _no, his fiancé’s_ face.

Magnus swallows hard, trying to banish the guilt, terror and anger that have made a home inside him. The saltiness of his lips reminds him he’s still crying.

Alec is murmuring his name and moving in, arms coming up to wrap him in a hug. Offering the same comfort he’d given Magnus every time this had happened before, long nights of cuddling and sweet whispers after horror-filled nightmares woke him.

But this time it's different. The memory of Alec leaving him is fresh in his mind and his heart is stretched at the seams. He leans away, so far back he risks falling off the bed. It’s not a fully conscious decision, rather, he acts on impulse. It's an illogical reaction, one borne of trauma. A desperate attempt to protect himself from further ruin at the hands of the beautiful destruction that is Alexander Lightwood.

Alec blinks at him, eyebrows furrowed. He looks confused, a frown pulling at his lips. He doesn’t understand why Magnus is pulling away, why he would refuse comfort from his fiancé when he’s so clearly distraught.

“Magnus—” His voice is raspy, thick with sleep.

“I can’t, Alexander.”

The warlock curls his knees to his chest, making himself as small as he can. As if by making himself smaller, _easier_ , he might be able to keep Alec from leaving him again. He knows it's not logical, but he doesn’t care.

Alec shakes his head and it's clear he still doesn't understand when he reaches for Magnus’ cheek, prepared to brush away his tears. Magnus pushes it away before it can make contact. There’s a brief moment of warmth, skin on skin contact, their hands touching, that has Magnus wanting to curl into Alec. He wants nothing more than to surround himself with Alexander, the scent of him, the feel of him.

But his stomach churns and instead of reaching for Alec, he presses his forehead to his knees.

“What is it? What’s wrong?”

“Everything,” Magnus answers quietly, because it's true. But equally, “Nothing.”

Alec isn't trying to touch him anymore and the realization is as comforting as it his painful. “What? Talk to me.”

“You left me." His voice breaks, the words spilling out. "You left me when I was at my most vulnerable.” It had been the story of his life for his loved ones to leave. He still hadn’t expected it from Alexander, not like that, not after everything they’d been through. 

_I didn't know the spark inside of you - the one I fell in love with - it was out for good._

The memory of those words, of the emptiness in Alec's eyes as he'd said them, tears Magnus apart even now.

He wants to move, needs to get away. He wants to lean in, needs to be held. He's frozen in place, torn between leaving and staying and unable to do either.

“ _Magnus,_ ” Alec sounds like he’s the one that’s had his heart broken, and Magnus knows it's true, to some extent. He'd broken both of their hearts that day. “I didn’t want to. I never wanted to leave you. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but I needed you to be okay. Getting your magic back, it was the only thing I could think of to help you.”

Magnus shuts his eyes tight as more tears fall dampen his lashes. He’s a mess. And Alexander is perfect. And Alexander is also a mess. It’s all too much.

“I know,” Magnus finally manages, voice wavering. The words tear at his throat, ripping at his lungs. “I understand your reasons, but that doesn’t fix my heart. That doesn’t erase the memory, the ache of not being enough, of watching you leave.”

There’s a long stretch of silence and Magnus tries to gather himself enough to stop crying. He doesn’t manage it and instead, swipes angrily at his face with his palm.

“What can I do?” Alec asks, sounding fragile, small, hurt. Magnus hates himself for hurting Alec.

He swallows hard. Realizing he can move again, he turns fully away from Alec, throwing his legs over the side of the bed. “You should go back to sleep. We’ll figure it out in the morning.”

“Please,” Alec’s whispered voice stops him where he's already halfway to the door. “Let me be there for you? We don’t have to touch or talk, I just, I don’t want to leave you alone. Not again. Please.”

The words shaking Magnus to his core. He bites back more tears and nods, and without facing Alec, he asks, “Would you like a hot chocolate?”

“I’ll make us some,” Alec breathes, instantly on his feet and making a bee-line for the kitchen. Magnus follows slowly behind, letting Alec turn on the lights ahead of them. He'd been planning to do it with magic, he hates strolling through a dark loft after any kind of nightmare.

Magnus leans against the counter, watching as Alec makes their hot chocolate, pattering the kitchen in nothing but sweatpants. It’s oddly domestic, a soft sight that would have Magnus all over him, any other time. For now, Magnus turns his gaze to the counter, wrestling with his own thoughts, with the sharp juxtaposition of desire and self-preservation, of loving and fearing Alexander at the same time. He spins his engagement ring around his finger, trying to remind himself of the future Alec has promised him.

When their drinks are done, they retreat back to the bedroom, barely a word spoken between them. They sit against the headboard, side-by-side, encased in silence. Magnus sips at his drink, letting the sweet warmth burst over his tongue, soothing away his fears and bitterness. He holds it tighter in his palms, letting the cold in his bones begin to melt away.

Alec finishes his drink first. Magnus knows without looking at him, hearing the clink of glass being set on the wooden nightstand, the soft sigh Alec lets out. 

He glances over and finds Alec's eyes closed, though he's still sitting against the headboard. The shadowhunter’s hand rests between them, palm up, engagement ring shining in the low light. All Magnus can do for a good moment is stare. It’s an invitation, an offering, a compromise.

It takes him a moment of warring with himself, tracing his own engagement ring, cementing the idea that they’ve promised to stay with each other. Finally, he uncurls his right hand from the mug and reaches, slowly, for Alec. His movements are hesitant even as he threads his fingers with Alec’s, letting them rest gently together. Alec grasps him back, not harshly, not keeping him from pulling away, just enough to reinforce that _he’s here._

Magnus swallows past the lump in his throat, setting what remains of his cocoa aside. Fatigue is slowly seeping back in and he allows himself to slump slightly, towards Alec.

“I love you,” Alec says quietly. “I know it doesn’t fix everything, and I know we have to- to figure out how to get past this, together. But I love you. I love you so much. I just want to spend the rest of my life making you happy.”

In response, Magnus presses against him, side-to-side, letting his head rest on Alec’s shoulder. It’s not the most comfortable position, but it’s a compromise, a start. It’s the comfort of Alexander, the reassurance of his presence, without the unyielding restriction of being fully held.

“You’re the smartest, most caring person I’ve ever met,” Alec continues, voice gentle, but no longer sounding so broken. “With or without magic. I’ll love you, always.”

Magnus' eyes prickle again. Alec's words aren't a panacea, they don't magically fix everything. Magnus is still hurting. There are still new scars on his heart, new fears, new nightmare fuel. But the words help. They’re bandages, promises of healing, promises of a future together.

“Aku cinta camu,” Alec whispers into his hair, before falling silent.

A long while later, when Magnus no longer feels like breaking, he asks, "Are you still awake?" There's a hum, an affirmation. Alec's thumb rubs circles on the back of his hand. "I love you."

The soft kiss Alec places against his hair is enough of an answer. 

They sit like that until Magnus gives in to sleep. It's peacefully empty this time- no longer wrecked with screams or sobs.

Alec, though? Alec doesn’t sleep.

He leans against the headboard, holding Magnus close to him, chest aching. He’d hoped they had fixed everything when Magnus found him and proposed, when he’d found Magnus in Edom and brought him home. Clearly, it wasn’t going to be that simple.

He had work to do. He had to find some way to prove to Magnus that he was never going to leave again. He was already sure of that. There was no future for him that didn’t involve Magnus. He would stay by the warlock’s side as long as Magnus wanted him there.

Alec stayed awake, thinking, plotting. Fixing their relationship would be a slow healing, but it would be a healing.

And they had all the time in the world— Alec would make sure of it.


End file.
